I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Randomize
