Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Randomize
