I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Randomize
