mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Randomize