somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Randomize
