Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Randomize
