I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Randomize