i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
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