I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
