I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
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