i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
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