WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize
