At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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