yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Randomize
