On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
she pinky promised me she was 18
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Randomize
