i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Randomize
