listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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