I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
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