I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Randomize
