My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Randomize
