apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
