i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
