he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
