it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
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