kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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