every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Randomize
