New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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