Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I am available for nakedness
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
