I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
