we're blogging at a bar
What a fucking waste of an outfit
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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