Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
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