Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Randomize
