i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
