Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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