Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
is wine microwaveable?
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
