so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Randomize
