he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
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