My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
