Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
