Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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