I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Randomize
