Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
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