we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize
