I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
