My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Rumble strips road head = magical
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Randomize
