If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Randomize
