i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
