I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Randomize
