Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Lets go hit some boners bro!
I appreciate the acceptance and inclusion, but that's not how we gay men talk.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
