then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
