a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
