Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
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