remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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