Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
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