i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
