Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
