Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
