Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
